Vexen in Wonderland
by Nightmares Walk
Summary: Vexen mixes some cleaning fluids together and gets knocked out. When he wakes up, he notices something odd... Rated T for language, sexual humor, and whatever else you happen to find. Now finished!
1. Down the Rabbit Hole

Vexen in Wonderland

I do not own Kingdom Hearts or Alice in Wonderland. Kingdom Hearts belongs to Disney and Square Enix. Alice in Wonderland references are used from both Lewis Carroll and Disney.

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Vexen once again found himself working in his cold basement laboratory. He wasn't working on some electronic gizmo or writing down the properties of a chemical compound… or for that matter, balancing a long, complex chemical equation. To put it quite simply, he was seeking refuge from the twelve idiots upstairs who ignored him as they went on their merry way without giving him a backwards glance or a simple greeting.

Yes, he would much rather stay down in his basement… His sanctuary where he could experiment however he wanted and no one would criticize him for it. However, there was something a little off inside his scientific haven. He could smell something. A noxious vapor that seemed to be coming from the back of his lab.

He hopped off his stool, boots clacking on the white tiled floors as he made his way around counters, unfinished robots that had been collecting dust, bottles of chemicals that could do who knows what, and assorted power tools on the floor. Sure, his wasn't the most organized lab, but he would clean it… eventually.

He traced the smell to a cabinet under a sink. If he knew correctly--and of course he did--there was nothing under that sink, save for cleaning products such as bleach, glass cleaners, etcetera. His knees popped as he squatted down and his black lab apron rustled as he leaned forward to open the cabinet doors.

He saw the problem immediately. The bleach, the glass cleaner, and the disinfectants were tossed carelessly on their sides, various contents leaking out of them onto the bottom of the cabinet and mixing into an iridescent liquid that seemed to be steaming. He frowned as another wave of the odor hit him.

He certainly didn't put his materials back like this. He righted the bottles, getting cleaning fluids on the latex gloves he used. Vexen straightened out, standing up to grab a roll of heavy-duty paper towels off of the shelf, ripping two or three of before squatting back down to attempt to clean up the steaming mess.

He dabbed and rubbed at the spot, but he didn't seem to get the concentrated fumes out from under the sink. His sensitive nose was continually being assaulted by the stench and his head throbbed as he continued to rub at the spot, applying more pressure.

He groaned. His head hurt so much… How long had he been trying to clean up the mess? His vision blurred. He could practically feel his brain throbbing in his skull… How much pain must he endure? He felt a sharp smack on the back of his skull as he closed his eyes. And then… nothing.

-IV-

Vexen woke up with his face covered in his long, blonde hair. He took off his latex gloves before adjusting his locks with a trembling hand. It hurt. Everything hurt. He pulled himself onto his shaky legs, getting a head rush as he felt his blood pulsing in his ears. He inhaled, letting sweet, odorless oxygen rush into his lungs as he massaged his temples.

_Not to self: Never mix cleaning formulas. _He thought, jaw clenching as the pain rolled through him.

"Ack! I'm late!" Came a startled exclamation.

_Great. I'm hearing things now… _Vexen inserted a pinky into his ear, attempting to clean it out.

"I'm late! That drag queen's gonna be pissed!"

Vexen's green eyes rolled to the running figure of Larxene. There was something different about her.

Her skin was paler than normal and there was a red tint to her eyes. Her short, blonde hair covered up the ears on the side of her head, but large, white, bunny ears stuck out from the top of her head. She wore a red silk shirt with a black vest and trousers with a white bunny tail sticking out of the rear. A gold pocket watch dangled from her vest by the chain as she ran, her black dress shoes slapping against the tile as she ran. She got close to the back laboratory corner were she pulled out a black umbrella from seemingly nowhere, opening it with her white gloved hands. The umbrella's locking mechanism clicked into place and she jumped _right through the wall. _

Did Vexen see that correctly? He ran towards the spot in the wall she jumped into to see a large gaping hole about six feet tall and three feet wide that lead into inky blackness. Vexen leaned slightly to look down into the hole, to see any light whatsoever. He craned his neck in farther, peering into the gloom.

He fell in just like that. Vexen plunged headfirst, tumbling into the tunnel, yelling and flailing to get a hold onto anything that could support him. His searching fingers found nothing. Vexen continued falling for about a minute or so, contemplating his pitiful existence, wondering when the bone-shattering crunch would come and end his life.

_You've had a good run, old chum. _Vexen thought to himself. _If only you'd made that pretty girl robot like you've always wanted to and made sweet--_

Vexen yelled out an incoherent word as something hit him where the sun don't shine with a very loud "CUCKOO!!"

The dark began to lighten and he saw that he was falling past a large cuckoo clock, the bird door opening to reveal nothing but a comical boxing glove on a spring, still bouncing from impact.

Vexen's mouth puckered and eyes watered as he rolled into the fetal position as he fell, tucking in his legs with his arms.

His wide, tearing green eyes scanned the vertical shaft he was falling down to see clocks tick-tocking and floating around about him, all of them registering different times and several more chiming and cuckooing in unison with such volume, Vexen gritted his teeth.

Vexen landed on something soft. He looked underneath himself to see a floating red plush couch which was tipping dangerously to the side he was sitting on. He grabbed onto the couch's armrest, as it flipped upside down, leaving him dangling over more black oblivion.

"I DON'T WANNA DIE!" He wailed as his hands began to slip down the fabric.

Now, he was clinging only by the seams off the couch as the couch continued to rotate until Vexen was straight down with the couch.

Then, his boots touched something solid.

At the same moment, the couch disappeared, leaving an unhappy Vexen to fall on his butt to the floor, hands reaching up to a black painted ceiling. He felt rather foolish as he brushed himself off, standing up on the checker board patterned floor in the circular room. The walls were adorned with random patterns, and when Vexen thought he had one solved, it skipped to another in muddled confusion.

He noticed the gap in the wall leading to a lamp-lit hallway that had a shut, wooden door at the end. Feeling somewhat apprehensive, he walked to the door, putting his bare hand on the cool brass knob. He turned the knob, opening the door.

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First installment, read and review, please!


	2. The Problems With Doors

Vexen in Wonderland

I do not own Kingdom Hearts or Alice in Wonderland. Kingdom Hearts belongs to Disney and Square Enix. Alice in Wonderland references are used from both Lewis Carroll and Disney.

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It was another, smaller door. Vexen opened that one, too. There was another door under that one, too.

"This is ridiculous!" Vexen exclaimed, yanking open that door as well.

Vexen opened about five more doors until he got to the door for the room beyond the doorframe. It was a problem since the door was only four feet tall and two feet wide. He looked at the opening, wondering how he could get inside comfortably.

"Curse this nonsensical realm!" Vexen exclaimed, laying on his side and wriggling through the door like a worm. He got to his feet once he was on the other side, looking around.

It was a kitchen in the gayest colors he'd ever seen in a house.

"Marluxia must have decorated this room." He said, blinking as he looked around.

The floor was a vertical stripe pattern in pale pink and buttercup yellow with the walls and the ceiling pastel blue. A brick oven that had its grate shut and a fire burning inside, giving a cozy feel to the room. The wall space next to the oven had a bright green shelf laden with various cookbooks. The counters underneath were clean and polished and a pale purple, covered with knives of various shapes and sizes that shone brilliantly in the overhead light.

Vexen felt a chill go down his spine as he looked at the countertops. Was that a red stain he saw on the butcher knife? He pitied the poor soul that had their innards scooped out by that knife. He turned away, nearly stumbling into the glass topped table and white painted iron chair.

Frowning, he walked to the other end of the room to a door that was even shorter than the last one.

There was no way in hell he would be able to fit through this pitiful door. Still, he was curious as to what was on the other side. He grabbed the knob, and the brass handle responded with a loud honking noise.

"AHEM! Do you mind?!" The doorknob asked, wriggling its knobby nose, the keyhole moving like lips as it talked.

"Excuse me?" Vexen asked, clearly miffed that he was being scolded by a doorknob.

"Just grabbing my nose like that! Honestly! You have no manners, old man!"

"Old man?!" Vexen screeched.

"There's a perfectly good key over there." The doorknob continued, waving it's knobby nose towards the glass table.

Vexen turned his head towards the table and saw the brass skeleton key resting on the table. That hadn't been there before… had it?

Regardless, Vexen stomped over to the table, snatching up the brass key and shoved it into the keyhole. The doorknob began to struggle and gag, but Vexen ignored it as he turned the key. Then the doorknob was still as he yanked open the door.

Annoyance slowly ebbing away, he got on his hands and knees and poked his head through the door and looked around.

It was a beautiful meadow with the sun shining upon it in a brilliant blue sky, the grass a bright green in the light. It was so pleasant, Vexen wanted nothing more than to be in it.

"If only I could shrink down to the proper size." He mused, deep in pleasant daydreams of the meadow.

He suddenly had to sneeze. With such a force that when his head came up and his neck hit the door frame and he fell flat on his stomach. He crawled out rubbing his neck, wincing. Perhaps he could find some ice for his neck somewhere in the kitchen. His eyes scanned the room, and he saw nothing but a newly arrived pie upon the glass table.

The piecrust was a perfect golden brown, and gave off such a heavenly aroma that made his mouth water. A fork, knife, a beautiful china plate, and embroidered cloth napkin was next to the pie.

_Why not?_ Vexen thought to himself, stomach roaring in longing. _I might as well… There's no one else here…_ His thoughts came back to the talking doorknob. _He's as dead as a doorknob! I don't believe he should want any pie._ Vexen laughed, despite the cold-blooded murder he had committed just a few moments ago.

He cut himself a large portion of the pie and used the knife to take it out and place it on the plate. Setting down the knife, he grabbed the fork and turned it sideways to cut the tip off of the pie. He now noticed the cherry pie filling as it oozed out from between the crusts.

"So that's what the stain on the butcher knife was." He said, more to assure himself. But then… Why was a butcher knife used?

He tried to fight off the thoughts as he put the hot piece of cherry pie into his mouth, letting the exquisite flavor wash over his tongue as he chewed. He tried to concentrate on the flaky, buttery crust or the freshness of the cherries, or even the sugary euphoriant that preserved the fruit, but the gay kitchen began to seem more and more menacing with each bite of the pie he took.

Now, he wanted nothing more than to escape into the meadow, where all his fears of this menacing kitchen would just melt away into nothing.

He slammed the plate down and made a run for the meadow, and he could not help but notice how the door got taller with each stride until he passed neatly underneath.

He was scarcely out into the open when the doorway he had just come out of, that seemed attached to nothing he could see, when it slammed shut behind him.

Vexen turned towards the door to see the doorknob scowling at him, knobby nose turning either direction as it grumbled.

So perhaps he hadn't killed it after all.

This information hardly mattered to Vexen as he strode through the meadow, where the forget-me-nots and pansies and sunflower and all sorts of brilliant blooms grew, thriving in the sunlight where butterflies of every color danced from flower to flower. For the first time in a rather long time, he felt genuinely happy. Or as happy as he could be for something with no heart.

That idea puzzled Vexen as we walked upon a newly found dirt road to a charming cottage at the end with a great expanse of trees behind it in a dark and forbidding forest. He kept walking towards the cottage until he heard a familiar voice calling out.

"Hey! Maid! You listenin' to me?" He turned to see the ridiculously garbed Larxene running towards him from a different direction.

He looked around to see if she was yelling at someone else, but he saw no one around him.

She was on him quickly, grabbing him by the arm.

"Yes, you, stupid! ¿Habla usted Inglés?" She quickly began to drag him towards the cottage.

"I'm not your maid!" Vexen hissed, trying to get her arm off.

"So you do speak English!" Larxene said with fake amazement. "Yeah, yeah. You give me that same shit every week."

They were now upon the cottage where a mailbox was atop one of the white picket fence posts, proclaiming this the be the home of W. Rabbit. Larxene pushed open the gate and began to fish for her key in her waistcoat pocket.

"Anyways, it's hot outside, so get me my fan. I can't be sweating like a pig in front of the royal court." She found the keys and unlocked the door, shoving Vexen roughly inside. "My fan is upstairs in my room on the vanity. Be quick! I'm already fuckin' late as it is."

Vexen nodded, quickly scurrying up the staircase in the cottage that immediately opened up into Larxene's bedroom.

To put why he was playing maid for Larxene was quite simply because if he didn't, he would be the prime target for "pranks" that would leave him maimed or injured in some sort of way.

He made his way to the light blue painted vanity at the other end of the room and grabbed the black fan from its resting spot. As he took the object in his hand, his eyes could not help but wander to an open box of truffles on the other side of the table.

They were beautifully decorated, and they looked so delicious. She wouldn't notice if he just had one, would she?

He licked his lips as he picked one up from the wrapper it was so cozily nestled in. It looked to be milk chocolate with lines of dark chocolate waving across the top. He popped the chocolate into his mouth in one bite and began to chew, savoring the taste of the caramel that came out.

"Maid! Get your ass down here with my fan right now!" Larxene yelled.

Vexen swallowed the chocolate treat contentedly before walking towards the stairwell. His head hit something, and he looked up only to get his face pressed against the ceiling of the cottage. He could feel his limbs and torso elongating as he grew, and he just couldn't stop growing as he was pushing up against everything in the room. He heard glass shatter and strange popping noises as nails came undone from whatever they were hammered to, and just like that, his head was out into the open sky with bales of itchy hay in his hair from the thatched roof.

"YOU RUINED MY HOUSE! I'M GOING TO KILL YOU, MAID!" Larxene screeched, picking up rocks and hurling them at Vexen's head with expert precision. However, the stone bounced harmlessly off Vexen's face as he tried to situate himself into a comfortable position in the house.

His arms were stuck out the windows that were now freed of glass and one of his legs stuck out the door, the other was bunched up somewhere beneath him on the first floor.

"Great! Now I'm going to be even more late, and I have to get that lizard guy's help, whatever his name is. Was it Bob, Bill, Bart, Beadle…?" Larxene trailed off and began to do an agitated hop towards a nearby hill, her bunny ears bouncing as she did so until Vexen could see her no more when she went over the hill.

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Second installment. Read and review, please!


	3. Tweedledee and Tweedledum

_Vexen in Wonderland_

I do not own Kingdom Hearts or Alice in Wonderland. Kingdom Hearts belongs to Disney and Square Enix. Alice in Wonderland references are used from both Lewis Carroll and Disney.

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After a couple of minutes, Larxene returned with a grumpy looking Saïx following close behind her, carrying a long ladder.

"So, Bill, I've got this MAJOR problem. My idiot maid got gigantic and broke my house, and I was wondering if you could get him out." She said, gesturing to her ruined cottage.

"I'll see what I can do." Saïx replied simply, blue tail flicking behind him.

Tail?

Vexen looked closer at the Luna Diviner. He could see that he was wearing a black turtleneck, slightly worn jeans and worn black shoes. His skin was slightly tinted blue, as if he was deathly cold, and his gold eyes had pupils of reptilian slits.

Had Saïx infused his DNA with a lizard's in this crazy realm?

"Maid." Saïx greeted him curtly before putting his ladder up against the side of the house.

Vexen watched Saïx, wondering just what he would do to him. Saïx was impossibly small, and Vexen fancied that he could squish him in his hand if he so chose to. Even so, the small blue man began to climb up towards him.

"What could a small man like you possibly do to a big man like me?" Vexen asked, looking down upon Saïx.

"Small?" He growled in reply, looking up at Vexen and baring sharp, curved teeth.

"I could flick you right off your ladder." Vexen continued, lifting up his nose.

With a loud snarl, Saïx pounced upon Vexen. Biting, tearing, punching, kicking. One hundred times more effective than having rocks thrown at him. It hurt so much…

Vexen panicked, moving his arm up through the window, ripping the wood up off the side of the house and getting splinters and nails poked in his arm. He grabbed the berserk Saïx in that hand and threw him as far as he could into the dark and forbidding forest.

"I'll come back to you later, maid!" Larxene screeched before hopping along the path, cursing and spitting into the forest, leaving Vexen all alone yet again.

"How am I supposed to get out?" He asked himself. Vexen looked around, but all he could see were the remains of the smashed up cottage strewn about. Then he saw the well down by the road, just an arm's length away from him. He leaned over and reached for the bucket hanging from the rope, snapping its support beam, causing the well roof to collapse. He took the bucket in his hand and drank down the cool well water sloshing around inside of it.

Immediately, everything around him began to get larger and taller, while Vexen found himself among the wreckage of Larxene's cottage.

Fearing of any other unpleasant surprises, Vexen quickly followed the dirt path into the dark forest.

The light in the forest was a pale jade green, with the sun shining through the tree branches in dappled spots upon the forest floor. The ground was covered in dark green grass, ferns, bushes, fallen logs covered in thick green moss, and brightly colored mushrooms of all shapes and sizes.

It's peaceful here. Vexen thought with a soft smile on his face as he walked along the path.

After about a mile of walking or so, he found Axel and Demyx standing side by side with ridiculously goofy expressions on their faces. Both wore matching red beanies with yellow propellers, a black and white striped T-shirts, red overalls with yellow buttons, and black boots.

Vexen couldn't help but laugh at the two.

"You shouldn't laugh quite yet." Axel said, frowning slightly.

"We have yet to tell you anything to laugh at." Demyx added.

"Who are you two supposed to be?" Vexen chuckled.

"I'm Tweedledee." Axel said, holding out a hand.

"And I'm Tweedledum." Demyx replied, holding out a hand.

Yes, you are. Vexen thought dryly, shaking both of their hands at the same time.

"I'm Vexen." He announced, deciding to play along with this little game.

"Would you like to hear a limerick, Vexen?" Axel asked.

"They're tons of fun." Demyx smiled.

"Sure." Vexen replied, feigning interest.

_"There once was a man from Peru;  
Who had a dream he was eating his shoe.  
He woke with a fright in the middle of the night to find that his dream had come true."_

"I know a better limerick than that!" Demyx exclaimed, turning to Vexen.

_"There once was a woman from Eyling  
Who had a peculiar feeling.  
She laid on her back and opened her crack and pissed all over the ceiling."_

"Tweedledum, that was disgusting." Vexen frowned. "Do you two know anything other than limericks, like haikus or something?"

Axel cleared his throat.

_"Vexen does not like  
The limericks we have said.  
He is very old."_

"That's just stupid." Vexen replied, which seemed to dishearten Axel.

Demyx' eyes brightened.

"Dee! We can tell him the one about the Walrus and the Carpenter!"

"You're right, Dum!" Axel replied.

They both took a breath and spoke in unison.

_"The sun was shining on the sea,  
__Shining with all his might:  
__He did his very best to make  
__The billows smooth and bright--  
__And this was odd, because it was  
__The middle of the night._

_The moon was shining sulkily,  
__Because she thought the sun  
__Had got no business to be there  
__After the day was done--  
__'It's very rude of him,' she said,  
__'To come and spoil the fun!'_

_The sea was wet as wet could be,  
__The sands were dry as dry.  
__You could not see a cloud, because  
__No cloud was in the sky:  
__No birds were flying overhead--  
__There were no birds to fly._

_The Walrus and the Carpenter  
__Were walking close at hand:  
__They wept like anything to see  
__Such quantities of sand:  
__'If this were only cleared away,'  
__They said, 'it would be grand!'_

_'If seven maids with seven mops  
__Swept it for half a year,  
__Do you suppose,' the Walrus said,  
__'That they should get it clear?'  
__'I doubt it,' said the Carpenter  
__And shed a bitter tear._

_'O Oysters, come and walk with us!'  
__The Walrus did beseech.  
__'A pleasant walk, a pleasant talk,  
__Along the briny beach:  
__We cannot do with more than four,  
__To give a hand to each.'_

_The eldest Oyster looked at him,  
__But never a word he said:  
__The eldest Oyster winked his eye,  
__And shook his heavy head--  
__Meaning to say he did not choose  
__To leave the oyster-bed._

_But four young Oysters hurried up,  
__All eager for the treat:  
__Their coats were brushed, their faces washed,  
__Their shoes were clean and neat--  
__And this was odd, because, you know,  
__They hadn't any feet._

_Four Oysters followed them,  
__And yet another four;  
__And thick and fast they came at last,  
__And more, and more, and more--  
__All hopping through the frothy waves,  
__And scrambling to the shore._

_The Walrus and the Carpenter  
__Walked on a mile or so,  
__And then they rested on a rock  
__Conveniently low:  
__And all the little Oysters stood  
__And waited in a row._

_'The time has come,' the Walrus said,  
__'To talk of many things:  
__Of shoes--and ships--and sealing wax--  
__Of cabbages--and kings--  
__And why the sea is boiling hot--  
__And whether pigs have wings.'_

_'But wait a bit,' the Oysters cried,  
__'Before we have our chat;  
__For some of us are out of breath,  
__And all of us are fat!'  
__'No hurry!' said the Carpenter,  
__They thanked him much for that._

_'A loaf of bread,' the Walrus said,  
__'Is what we chiefly need:  
__Pepper and vinegar besides  
__Are very good indeed--  
__Now, if you're ready, Oysters dear,  
__We can begin to feed.'_

_'But not on us!' the Oysters cried,  
__Turning a little blue.  
__'After such kindness, that would be  
__A dismal thing to do!'  
__'The night is fine,' the Walrus said.  
__'Do you admire the view?_

_'It was so kind of you to come!  
__And you are very nice!'  
__The Carpenter said nothing but  
__'Cut us another slice.  
__I wish you were not quite so deaf--  
__I've had to ask you twice!'_

_'It seems a shame,' the Walrus said,  
__'To play them such a trick.  
__After we've brought them out so far,  
__And made them trot so quick!'  
__The Carpenter said nothing but  
__'The butter's spread too thick!'_

_'I weep for you,' the Walrus said:  
__'I deeply sympathize.'  
__With sobs and tears, he sorted out  
__Those of the largest size,  
__Holding his pocket-handkerchief  
__Before his streaming eyes._

_'O Oysters,' said the Carpenter  
__'You've had a pleasant run!  
__Shall we be trotting home again?'  
__But answer there came none--  
__And this was scarcely odd, because  
__They'd eaten every one."_

"Where do you two learn these poems?" He asked, looking at the two strangely.

"Now we must play a game!" Demyx announced.

"Yes, a game! Good idea, Tweedledum!" Axel agreed, high-fiving Demyx.

"What game?" Vexen asked warily.

"Hide and seek! And I'm not it!" They both exclaimed in unison before turning to Vexen.

"Close your eyes and count to fifty!" Demyx ordered.

Vexen shrugged and clapped his hands over his eyes, beginning to count.

After he was sure they were both in a hiding spot, he took his hands off his eyes and continued to follow the dirt path farther into the forest, where the scenery became more dark and menacing. He kept following the path to a fork in the road with a large tree in the grassy median.

"Which way do I go?" He asked himself, dreading the idea of becoming hopelessly and desperately lost in the gloomy forest.

"That depends on where you want to go." A familiar voice replied from within the darkness of the tree branches.

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Happy New Year! I hope you enjoyed this chapter.  
"There once was a man from Peru" is from Spongebobsquarepants, and I don't know where the other one comes from. "The Walrus and the Carpenter" is from Lewis Carroll's "Through the Looking Glass."

Review, please!


	4. CAT

Vexen in Wonderland

I do not own Kingdom Hearts or Alice in Wonderland. Kingdom Hearts belongs to Disney and Square Enix. Alice in Wonderland references are used from both Lewis Carroll and Disney.

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"Pardon?" Vexen asked, looking up into the branches.

"Where do you want to go?" The voice repeated.

A glowing gold feline eye appeared in the shadows, along with a pointy-toothed grin.

"I need to find my way out of this forest." Vexen said to the disembodied voice.

"Your way? It's only _the Queen's way_!" The owner of the voice stepped into the light.

It was Xigbar, wearing a pink and purple striped jumpsuit with matching striped tail and cat ears perched on top of his head. He thought it was fake, but when he saw the tail waving and the ears he was convinced otherwise.

"Who exactly is the Queen?" Vexen asked, looking at Xigbar.

"Always asking questions, and never introducing himself. Ah, such bad manners." He lay contentedly upon one of the thick branches.

Vexen huffed, crossing his arms over his chest.

"I am Vexen. Who are you?"

"I am the Cheshire Cat." Xigbar said, dangling an arm over the side of the branch, showing off long, black painted nails that resembled claws.

Vexen bet money that they were lethal.

"Who is the Queen?" Vexen repeated, getting frustrated.

"The Queen of Hearts, of course. I believe you have a game with her today… among other things." Xigbar gave an amused chuckle, striped tail swaying to and fro.

"Okay. So how do I get out of the forest?"

Xigbar pointed down the left fork of the road.

"Down there, you shall reach the Mad Hatter's garden. The March Hare is there, as well."

"The 'Mad Hatter'? I don't speak with mad people." Vexen frowned, imagining trying to have a conversation with a man in a straightjacket.

"Oh, we're all mad here. And you'd have to be mad to get here in the first place. I'm mad too, you know. Unlike a dog, who growls when they're mad and wags their tail when they're happy, I wag my tail when I'm mad and growl when I'm happy. I _must _be mad."

"But it's called purring." Vexen corrected.

Xigbar shrugged his shoulders.

"Call it whatever you like. I still do it." He chuckled. "I'll meet you at the games, Vexen."

Xigbar began to disappear, color vanishing starting at his tail and working its way up, as if he was being absorbed by some invisible paper towel. As the color drained, the only thing left was his feline eye and pointy-toothed grin. That creeped Vexen out, so he quickly turned away, making his way down the left fork in the road.

He had been going down the beaten dirt path for some time before he finally reached the gate to a garden with a long, table laid out. It was covered in a clean, white table cloth, with various tea cups and tea pots and tea kettles set neatly upon it as well as cookies, biscuits, cucumber sandwiches, and scones. Little jars of jam, containers of butter, plates of lemons, mini porcelain pitchers of cream, and bowls of sugar cubes were also strewn about. Kitchen chairs, recliners, sofas, office chairs, and other seats were lined up against the sides of the table.

Overhead, colorful Chinese paper lanterns were strewn on wires, illuminating the area in a pleasant sort of way. The garden was secluded with tall hedges on one side, gates barred entry on two sides, and a cottage made up the fourth wall.

"A merry un-birthday to you!" Said a familiar voice.

"And to you as well." Another voice returned.

Two people were sitting down at the head of the table, completely absorbed in whatever conversation they were having.

Vexen looked upon the quaint tea party with interest.

It had been ages since he had been involved in a get-together over tea, long ago in a past life when he was known as Even. He felt a great, overwhelming desire to join this one.

Vexen opened the garden gate, shutting it behind him before he made his way from the end of the table to a spot near the middle. He pulled out the chair he wanted to sit at, seating himself at the table.

The two who had been at the head of the table looked at him with distaste. It was Luxord and Zexion.

Luxord was wearing a green top hat, green coat, white shirt, big blue bowtie, and long green pants. A piece of paper was on his hat, and it read 10/6. A teacup was held in his hand as he frowned at Vexen.

Zexion, dressed in a black suit, looked like a well-dressed Goth. He wore a red handkerchief in his breast pocket, and that reminded Vexen of the flowers of blood that appeared on the clothing of those that had been stabbed or shot. Black rabbit ears poked out of his hair at the top of his head.

"You know, it's very rude to sit down at our table without even being invited!" Zexion scoffed.

"Come to crash our un-birthday party, have you?" Luxord asked, raising an eyebrow as he took his teacup to his lips.

"What is an un-birthday?" Vexen asked.

"You know how every year, you only have one birthday?" Zexion asked, an amused smirk on his face.

Vexen nodded.

"Well, that would mean that you have three hundred sixty-four _un-birthdays,_ wouldn't you?"

How clever.

"Well, it's always tea-time here, so why not have an un-birthday tea party? I suppose I can let you join, even though you've so rudely sat down with an invitation." Zexion said.

Luxord put his teacup on the saucer.

"I've got a riddle: What does a raven and a writing desk have in common?"

"I haven't the slightest idea." Vexen replied, picking up a teapot to pour tea into his cup.

"Neither have I!" Luxord giggled, taking another sip of his tea.

"Tea time!" Zexion announced, standing up.

"Oh, goody, tea time!" Luxord said, getting up from his chair as well.

Together, Luxord and Zexion dragged Vexen, teapot and all, to another part of the table.

When the three of them had settled in another spot, Zexion laced his fingers together, put his elbows upon the table, and rested his chin upon his hands.

"While you're here, you might as well tell us how you've made your way here." He said, gazing at Vexen intently.

"Please tell. We haven't had any interesting stories here for days!" Luxord drawled.

Vexen's lips twitched into a small smile, he was glad to be the center of attention for once.

"Well, I was wandering through the woods beyond your garden gate, and I came to a fork in the road, and didn't know which way to turn the Cheshire Cat appeared--"

"CAT?! CAT?!" Came a squeal from a large, green teapot.

A small Lexaeus popped out from under the lid, running down the table.

He was wearing a wine red coat, white shirt, purple bowtie, black pants and shiny black dress shoes. A mouse tail twitched behind him as he ran, his big mouse ears tucked against his head.

Luxord and Zexion immediately got up, running after the mouse, knocking over everything with their arms as they snatched at him.

Vexen could have laughed at the comical sight.

Zexion had finally caught the Lexaeus mouse, and he headed back over to the table to place him back into his teapot.

"You mustn't mention those infernal animals around the dormouse!" Zexion whispered, clamping his hand upon the teapot lid.

"He really gets quite upset about those animals." Luxord added, wiping sweat off of his brow with a gloved hand. "Anyway, please continue."

"Where was I? Yes! Well, I then came across the Cheshire C-A-T, and he directed me to the fork in the road, where I walked until I found your un-birthday party."

"Cat?" Came a feeble squeak from the teapot.

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I had fun writing Xigbar as the Cheshire Cat. It suits him so well. Review, please!


	5. The Talking Flowers

Vexen in Wonderland

I do not own Kingdom Hearts or Alice in Wonderland. Kingdom Hearts belongs to Disney and Square Enix. Alice in Wonderland references are used from both Lewis Carroll and Disney.

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"Shush!" Zexion scolded.

"Cheshire C-A-T, you say? We haven't seen any of those around here… Just the White Rabbit." Luxord took his teacup to his lips.

"Really? When did she pass by?" Vexen asked.

"She hasn't passed by. She's right behind you."

"I'M GOD-AWFUL LATE! YOU'LL NEVER SEE ME AGAIN, MAID! ARE YOU HAPPY NOW?!" Came the strangled wail of Larxene, who zipped right through the tea garden, huffing and panting in exhaustion as she ran. She jumped over the garden gates, disappearing into the woods beyond.

"What the bloody hell was that about?" Luxord asked, standing up from his seat to try to catch a glimpse of the wailing Larxene.

"Apparently, she's running late for something…" Zexion replied casually, picking up a biscuit from a nearby plate. He paused when he was about to bite into it, set the biscuit on the edge of his saucer and leaned over in his chair.

"It seems that she's dropped her pocket watch." He held up the watch by the golden chain, letting it spin slowly in the light. He opened the watch, gazing at the face.

"Take a load of this, Reginald! It's two days late!"

"Let me see! I can fix it for when she comes back again."

Vexen watched, curious as Luxord pried open the back of the watch with his butter knife, revealing the cogs and springs, and other mechanisms underneath.

_Tick! Tock! Tick! Tock!_

Also with the knife, Luxord scooped some strawberry jam out of a jar and spread it evenly onto the clock.

_Thick! Thock! Thick! Thock!_

"Don't forget the tea." Zexion nodded, picking up his biscuit once more.

"What on earth are you doing to that clock? That's not how you fix it!" Vexen exclaimed, watching awestruck as Luxord ruined the pocket watch.

"Of course it is! It's how I fixed mine!" Luxord replied indignantly, dumping a teapot upside down over the watch.

_Sthick! Sthock! Sthick! Sthock!_

Luxord continued to "fix" the pocket watch, adding a bit of sugar and cream into the cogs.

_Shthick! Shthock! Shthick! Shthock!_

And last, but not least, a small slab of butter was added into the mix.

_Sh---! Sh---! Sh---! Sh---!_

A tiny spring popped out of place, and the pocket watch was no more.

"I dare say, I believe that I've broken the clock!" Luxord exclaimed, surprised.

"It was a piece of junk anyway, being two days slow." Zexion replied.

Luxord shrugged, throwing the clock somewhere in the garden behind him without a second glance.

Vexen couldn't believe it. Those two idiots had ruined a perfectly running watch and simply tossed it away. He grabbed his teacup and put it to his lips, drinking the hot tea inside before placing the teacup back onto its saucer and excusing himself from the table. Vexen walked away from the table, noticing that by the time he reached the garden gate, he was shoulder-level with the three feet posts that held it into place.

Vexen continued on his way, noticing that he kept getting shorter and shorter until walking through the green grass was like trying to walk through a jungle.

Vexen struggled his way through the blades of grass until he came across a clearing. The ground of the clearing was extremely hard, and he could feel the impact that his feet made upon the ground whenever he took a step. After what seemed like an hour of walking, he sat down upon a rock to rest his sore feet.

The area he had stopped in was filled with flowers of all sorts.

Tiger lilies, roses, orchids, pansies, and many others that he didn't know of. Each of the blooms was as big as he was tall at the moment, and the most wonderful aromas wafted from them into his nostrils.

Especially enticing was that of the rose.

"Look at his petals, they're all wilted."

"Poor dear, maybe he's not getting enough water?"

"His stems aren't green! Maybe he's old!"

"No, it's one of those walking flowers."

"Maybe it's a weed."

Who was talking?

Vexen scanned the area, but only saw the flower.

"Who's there?" He asked warily.

Laughter ensued. The noise seemed to surround him. Vexen was disoriented. Where were the voices coming from?

"You've already seen us. You know, the flowers."

Vexen looked closer at the nearest flower, the rose.

He saw that the inside of the petals formed a familiar face.

It was Marluxia's face inside the petals.

"That's nonsense!" Vexen scoffed. "Flowers can't talk."

"We're talking to you, aren't we?" A nearby violet asked dryly.

"We can sing, too!" Exclaimed the nearby pansies.

"Singing flowers?" Vexen repeated in disbelief.

"What song would you like to hear?" A daffodil asked.

"How about a song that includes all of us?" A tulip suggested.

"Girls, Girls!" The Marluxia rose exclaimed. "We'll sing 'Golden Afternoon'!"

The flowers began to tune with a cacophony of sounds, shrieks, and laughter. Marluxia gained their attention with a wave of his leaves, and the flowers became silent as Marluxia showed the beats. The flowers then began their song.

"_Little bread-and-butterflies kiss the tulips,_

_and the sun is like a toy balloon._

_There are get up in the morning glories, _

_in the golden afternoon. _

_There are dizzy daffodils on the hillside, _

_strings of violets are all in tune, _

_Tiger lilies love the dandelions, in the golden afternoon, _

_the golden afternoon. _

_There are dog and caterpillars and a copper centipede, _

_where the lazy daisies love the very peaceful life they lead... _

_You can learn a lot of things from the flowers,_

_for especially in the month of June. _

_There's a wealth of happiness and romance, _

_all in the golden afternoon. ... _

_All in the golden afternoon, the golden afternoon…" _

"That was… nice." Vexen said, forcing a smile.

The song wasn't bad, or anything. It was just odd to hear coming from the pistil and stamens of plants.

"So, what kind of flower are you?" the violet asked.

"I'm not a flower. I'm Vexen." Vexen corrected politely.

"Ya ever see a Vexen with petals like that?" Asked a lily.

"They're all droopy, and doesn't give off any fragrance at all!" A daffodil replied.

"Scrawny for a flower, don't you think?" The Marluxia rose asked.

"I'm not a flower!" Vexen persisted.

"I think he's pretty!" Said a rosebud.

"Hush!" Said the Marluxia rose.

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I think it's old. D:, LOL J/k. Review, please!


	6. Who R U?

Vexen in Wonderland

I do not own Kingdom Hearts or Alice in Wonderland. Kingdom Hearts belongs to Disney and Square Enix. Alice in Wonderland references are used from both Lewis Carroll and Disney.

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"Oh, I bet you just wanna rub your pistil in his stamen." The violet teased, prodding the Marluxia rose with its leaves.

"What on earth gave you that idea?" The Marluxia rose asked, aghast.

Vexen's face was turning slightly red with all of the dirty plant jokes and the vulgarity of the flowers.

"Feeling a little _thorny _today?" A daffodil teased.

"Shut the hell up!" Marluxia screeched. "This is inappropriate to speak of in front of the buds."

"Buds, shmuds." the violet replied. "We all know that the only pleasure you get is from the bees!"

"And your self pollinating." The daffodil muttered. "We've all seen you. The garden is _hardly _a private place."

The flowers giggled and shrieked with laughter, except for the Marluxia rose.

Vexen's jaw dropped slightly. This conversation was terrible! As if he didn't get enough of this kind of thing back at the castle with Marluxia constantly chasing him.

All the times he felt number eleven's gloved hands sliding down his back or down his stomach to grope at his unmentionables, which got a prompt response of a punch in the face. Nevertheless, he'd just give a pervy little smile and disappeared before he came back for more either a couple hours later or the next day.

Yes, Marluxia was another reason why he hid away in his laboratory.

Before the flowers could return their attention on him, Vexen quickly and quietly crept away from the flowerbed.

He had managed to get away from the bed, only going about a foot or so away (in big people's measurements, not that of the three inch tall Vexen) before he heard the flowers say: "Maybe another Vexen'll come around, Rose. You'll get some next time."

More giggles ensued.

Vexen shook his head and rolled his green eyes skyward as he continued to make his way to the forest of grass in the distance.

It took him a little while, but he finally found himself struggling through the tangled blades of grass, watching for the giant-sized bugs that occasionally crawled through. It had been twice that he saw a large fire ant or a huge slug wave its feelers past him. The ant was about the size of a small dog at this height, and the slug was nothing to mess with.

Vexen feared for any worms that might rear their slimy pink heads out of the ground, or feet that may suddenly come upon him with bone-crushing force.

Luckily, there were none.

Vexen made his way to yet another clearing, and this one had several mushrooms in it. They had mauve stalks and butter-yellow caps. The sunlight filtered through the leaves of the trees above as the wind rustled the branches, making the scenery dance in light and shadow.

More interesting, though, was the multicolored smoke that wafted through the air.

It carried an odd aroma, and it was nothing Vexen could recognize. It didn't smell like a barbeque, it didn't smell like burning shrubbery, and it didn't smell of incense or nicotine, either.

Vexen followed the trail of smoke through the mushroom maze, and found himself in front of a low mushroom, just tall enough to peek over and climb upon.

A blue clothed figure sat on that mushroom, smoking a hookah, puffing out rings of smoke.

The figure took a deep puff off of the mouthpiece, before releasing it in a straight line of smoke.

Vexen made his way around the mushroom to see that the blue clothed figure was Xemnas. His dark skin and orange-gold eyes contrasted nicely with the robes and pants he was wearing. They were in an Arabian style, and they looked foreign and exotic. Slippers with curled up toes were worn on his feet. Vexen was slightly disturbed to find that Xemnas had two pairs of arms, but other than that, he was normal.

"Superior?" Vexen asked, raising a blond eyebrow.

"I guess I am superior." Xemnas mused in his velvety voice, eyes rolling towards Vexen.

"You can't possibly be the leader of our organization." Vexen said, puzzled.

Xemnas ran a hand through his silver hair with his top left hand as he used his top right one to take another puff of his hookah.

"_How doth the little crocodile  
__Improve his shining tail,  
__And pour the waters of the Nile  
__On every golden scale!_

_How cheerfully he seems to grin  
__How neatly spreads his claws  
__And welcomes little fishes in,  
__With gently smiling jaws!"_

As Xemnas spoke, golden smoke curled from his mouth and into the air to form a grinning crocodile swimming through the air. Twelve red fish were also formed, and the crocodile opened its yawning mouth as the fish swam in. The jaws snapped shut behind them, and the crocodile continued to grin, swimming over to Vexen and curling around him before dispersing into regular, curling smoke.

Vexen coughed and waved the smoke away from him, holding his nose.

Xemnas watched him for another moment before taking another puff of his hookah.

"What is in that hookah? Hashish or something?"

"_I _have no such thing in my hookah!" Xemnas replied indignantly as the smoke flowed out of his mouth to create a purple "I" in the air. "Now who _are you_?"

The letters "R" and "U" joined "I," swirling and dancing in the air before hitting Vexen square in the face, causing another coughing fit.

"Vexen." He managed to reply.

"Vexen, hm? Recite You are old, Father William to me."

"What?" Vexen didn't know what Xemnas was talking about, but words began to flow out of his mouth as if he'd known them for all his life.

"'_You are old, Father William,' the young man said  
_'_And your hair has become very white;  
__And yet you incessantly stand on your head--  
__Do you think, at your age, it is right?'_

'_In my youth,' Father William replied to his son,  
_'_I feared it might injure the brain;  
__But, now that I'm sure I have none,  
__Why, I do it again and again.'_

'_You are old,' said the youth, 'As I mentioned before.  
__And have grown most uncommonly fat;  
__Yet you turned a back-somersault in at the door--  
__Pray, what is the reason of that?'_

'_In my youth,' said the sage, as he shook his grey locks,  
_'_I kept all my limbs very supple  
__By the use of this ointment--one shilling the box--  
__Allow me to sell you a couple?'_

'_You are old,' said the youth, 'and your jaws are too weak  
__For anything tougher than suet;  
__Yet you finished the goose, with the bones and the beak--  
__Pray, how do you manage to do it?'  
_

'_In my youth,' said his father, 'I took to the law,  
__And argued each case with my wife;  
__And the muscular strength, which it gave to my jaw  
__Has lasted the rest of my life.'_

'_You are old,' said the youth, 'one would hardly suppose  
__That your eye was as steady as ever;  
__Yet you balanced an eel on the end of your nose--  
__What made you so awfully clever?'  
_

'_I have answered three question, and that is enough,'  
__Said his father, 'Don't give yourself airs!  
__Do you think I can listen all day to such stuff?  
__Be off, or I'll kick you down-stairs!'"_

"That isn't right at all." Xemnas finally said, shaking his head in disapproval as he took another puff of his hookah. "Who _are you_ to tell a poem so wrongfully?"

A blue "R" and "U" formed out of the smoke.

"Listen, whoever you are," Vexen began, waving yet more smoke out of his face as Xemnas' lips twitched up into a small smirk of amusement.

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I hoped you liked my dirty flower jokes! xD LOL! Anyhoo, review, please!


	7. Painting the Roses Red

Vexen in Wonderland

I do not own Kingdom Hearts or Alice in Wonderland. Kingdom Hearts belongs to Disney and Square Enix. Alice in Wonderland references are used from both Lewis Carroll and Disney.

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"I am Vexen-- number four of Organization XIII. I am getting frustrated that you are continuing to blow smoke in my face, when all I want to do is ask you how I can get taller than three-fucking-inches!"

Xemnas straightened out, putting down the mouthpiece to his hookah and crossing his two pairs of arms over his chest.

"_Three inches is a __**perfect**__ height._" hissed Xemnas (who was exactly three inches tall himself).

"Not for me! It seems that ever since I got here, I've been shrinking and growing-- growing and shrinking! I used to be taller than this! I want to go back to my normal height, not stay at this wretched height of three inches!"

"Listen closely, Vexen. It would not be wise to display this sort of conduct in Wonderland."

Vexen couldn't help but notice the faint sound of fabric being ripped.

"I'm going to let this slide by as if nothing ever happened."

The ripping grew louder, and Vexen saw some motions coming from behind Xemnas.

"But keep in mind that Wonderland is a dangerous place."

With a final, loud rip, Xemnas' robes fell off of him as black and white butterfly wings unfurled from his back in a majestic manner.

In two flaps of the wings, he was up and flying away, leaving the hookah and the shredded robes behind.

"One side makes you bigger and the other makes you smaller!" He called, flying upward.

"Side of what?" Vexen yelled back.

"The mushroom!"

And with that, butterfly Xemnas was gone.

Vexen looked at the mushroom.

One side would make him bigger, and the other would make him smaller… He reached out both of his hands, grabbing and tearing off pieces from both sides of the mushroom. Now was the first part of the experiment: Trial and error.

Vexen nibbled off a piece of the mushroom in his left hand, nearly gagging at how it felt rubbery in his mouth. How he loathed mushrooms!

He forced himself to swallow down the fungus he had chewed, making horrible faces as he felt the taste slide down his throat in one big lump.

_It's even worse than Xigbar's cooking! _Vexen thought with a shudder, placing the mushroom pieces in his pocket, expecting himself to change.

Indeed, Vexen did change.

The transformation stretched out his limbs, his torso, his neck--he felt as if a giant had come along, grabbed his head and feet and yanked as hard as he could.

_It probably hurts because I've done this so much in one day! _

Vexen gritted his teeth and screwed his eyes shut as the pain passed over him like a wave, leaving him completely numb for a moment.

He opened his green eyes, peering around the forest.

The dirt road was right next to him, so he stepped over the mushroom patch and onto the trail. He followed it, the jade green light filtering through the leaves getting darker with every step.

-IV-

Soon enough, the forest was completely dark, save for the occasional, slim shafts of light from above.

Vexen trudged on, wary of the eyes that seemed to be following him and the occasional sound of the forest: growls, snarls, bird calls, snapping twigs that seemed to get closer and closer, hot breath that seemed to be on the back of his neck, the low growl right in his ear…

Vexen screamed the loudest, most girly, most high-pitched scream he had ever produced in his life before, running down the path, taking random twists and turns, trying to lose whatever was behind him, the predator running right behind him, gaining on him.

He came to a fork in the road before a revelation occurred.

_I can fight! What am I running for? _

He turned to face the oncoming foe, ready to release whatever deadly blizzard attack he needed to end this… but there was nothing there.

There was chuckling coming from a nearby tree, and a golden eye appeared… as well as a grin.

"You did this?!" Vexen exclaimed, glaring at the slowly forming Cheshire Cat.

"I have to get my fun, somehow, dude. Damn! That was the loudest scream I've ever heard! You're fun to scare, you know that?"

"I should kill you for what you did!" Vexen growled, clenching his fists.

"But if you kill me, you'd never find your way out of the woods." Xigbar hung upside-down from a branch by his legs as he continued to look at Vexen.

"Of course I would!" Vexen replied, miffed.

"You're lost." Xigbar said, pointing to a nearby signpost. One direction was labeled _Lost_, and the other was _Very Lost_.

"That is the most ridiculous thing I've ever seen."

"Nah, you've seen ridiculouser things."

"That's not even a word."

Xigbar gracefully dropped to the ground, landing on his hands before jumping to his feet.

"Anyhoo, since I'm a nice Cheshire Cat, I'm gonna show you the way to the Queen of Hearts' castle."

"You're too kind." Vexen replied dryly, rolling his eyes.

Xigbar went up to the trunk of the tree he was sitting on, knocking on the trunk, receiving solid thumps. He continued to knock until he heard a different noise.

_Thonk!_

Xigbar grinned, peeling back the bark in that spot to reveal a pathway to a rose garden with a castle just a little bit farther off.

"No need to thank me." Xigbar said before he disappeared.

Vexen walked through the pathway into the garden, looking around.

On one side, there was a hedge maze that seemed to stretch out for miles, and on the other side, there was a garden full of heart-shaped rose bushes, whose fragrance was covered up by something…

Vexen walked towards the garden, and the closer he got, he could hear a group of tenors singing a song:

"_Da dee dee da da da,  
__Doodle de do, dee do dee do,  
__Bum bum bum bum,  
__Painting the roses red,  
__We're painting the roses red,  
__We dare not stop or waste a drop, so let the paint be spread.  
__We're painting the roses red, we're painting the roses red!  
__Painting the roses red, and many a tear we shed,  
__Because we know they'll cease to grow, in fact they'll soon be dead.  
__Noooo! And yet we go ahead,  
__Painting the roses red, red, red, red, red, red, red, red.  
__Painting the roses red, we're painting the roses red…" _

Vexen came closer, and when he saw them, he couldn't help but stare at the sight before him in all of its oddity.

It was a group of eleven men dressed up as playing cards, painting the white roses on the bushes red.

He went up to the nearest card.

"Why are you painting the roses red?" Vexen asked.

"Oh! We planted these white rose bushes by mistake!" They continued the song:

"_And_, _the queen, she likes them red.  
__If she saw what we said,  
__She'd raise a fuss and each of us would quickly loose his head.  
__Since this is the thought we dread,  
__We're painting the roses red!" _

"I might as well help you poor souls." Vexen muttered, picking up a red paintbrush, beginning to paint the roses.

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Here comes one of my favorite parts... Who is this mysterious Queen of Hearts? You should have narrowed it down to like, two people by now! Review, please!


	8. The King and Queen of Hearts

Vexen in Wonderland

I do not own Kingdom Hearts or Alice in Wonderland. Kingdom Hearts belongs to Disney and Square Enix. Alice in Wonderland references are used from both Lewis Carroll and Disney.

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"The queen!" A startled cry rose.

The card soldiers immediately began scrambling to hide the buckets of paint and paintbrushes.

"Cards!" Yelled a familiar voice. "Number up!"

The cards responded immediately, standing at attention on either side.

"Ace!"

"Two!"

"Three!"

"Four!"

"Five!"

"Six!"

"Seven!"

"Eight!"

"Nine!"

"Ten!"

"Jack!"

Vexen stood at attention, too, lining up beside an Ace, paintbrush clutched behind his back and dripping onto the grass. Between the lines of cards came Roxas and Xaldin, arm in arm, regally strutting down towards him.

He had to keep from laughing as he watched. Xaldin was wearing a high-collared dress that fanned out behind his head and puffed out tremendously from the bodice. The bodice of the dress was scarlet, a color reminiscent of fresh blood. While the remainder of the dress was black with scarlet heart designs skillfully embroidered in gold outline. A gold crown was perched on the top of his head and combed into his black dreadlocks.

Roxas, on the other hand, was wearing a fur-lined robe, heart motif shirt, puffy red pants, and black leggings. A smaller crown rested upon his head.

So it was the King and the Drag Queen of hearts, then.

Vexen pursed his thin lips, trying not to laugh as Roxas passed by him.

His cheeks puffed out, threatening to explode.

Xaldin noticed immediately. He turned his fierce violet eyes towards him.

"Who are you, and HOW DARE you make a mockery out of _my _Card Soldiers?" He demanded, getting right up in Vexen's face.

Vexen released the air from his cheeks and took in a deep breath, dropping the paintbrush on the ground behind him.

"I mean you no disrespect, your majesty." Vexen managed in reply, smiling.

"You've addressed me wrong!" Xaldin fumed, crossing his hairy arms over his chest. "Say it with more emphasis."

"I mean you no disrespect, _your majesty._" Vexen repeated.

Roxas kept moving down the line, until he saw something among the rosebushes.

Vexen could see it out of the corner of his eyes and his face paled to a pasty white.

It was a rose… with only half of it painted red.

"My Queen!" Roxas announced, drawing Xaldin's attention away from Vexen.

"What is it, dear?" Xaldin asked, walking towards him with a rustle of his dress.

_Dear?!_ Vexen thought, grinning.

"YOU WERE PAINTING MY ROSES!" Xaldin yelled, ripping off the rose from the bush. "GUARDS! OFF WITH THEIR HEADS!!"

More Card Soldiers emerged, roughly grabbing all of the other Card Soldiers and Vexen.

"Leave the blond one!" Xaldin commanded.

Vexen was roughly let go while the others were dragged away, towards a guillotine, the blade gleaming menacingly in the distance. He turned away when he saw the blade drop.

"So, what is your name?" Xaldin asked, putting his hand on Vexen's back, leading him towards a pavilion.

"Vexen." He shifted uncomfortably under Xaldin's hand.

"Would you like to play a game?"

"An excellent idea, my Queen!" Roxas chirruped. "We could play something relaxing… like croquet!" He suggested.

"Fuck croquet!" Xaldin exclaimed. "I want to play my daily knife-throwing game!"

"But my Queen!" Roxas protested feebly.

"No 'buts,' dear!" Xaldin replied. "CARDS! GET THE GAME SET FOR TWO!"

The Card Soldiers scrambled about frantically, scurrying to get the game set. Two wooden wheels were set up, a set of long, thin knives were brought out, and two people were dragged out.

Vexen recognized them instantly as being Zexion and Luxord, who were quivering in their suits.

"I don't care much for this bloody game!" Luxord wailed as he was strapped onto one of the wheels.

"I never tried all of the types of tea!" Zexion cried as he was strapped to the other wheel.

One set of knives, ruby inlaid hilt, was given to Xaldin, while the other, pearl inlaid hilt, was given to Vexen, set down on the set up table to his right.

"Do you play this game?" Xaldin asked, examining the knife by lightly putting the point on his finger tips. A scarlet drop of blood welled out before dripping into the grass.

"N-no." Vexen replied, paling in the face.

"The rules are simple: Throw as many knives as you can without hitting the person." He grinned wickedly as the card soldiers spun the wheels, Zexion and Luxord spinning slowly.

"I'll let you go first." Xaldin said.

Vexen held up his knife, taking a deep breath. The wheel in front of him contained Zexion, and he had no ill will against him. He shut an eye for aim before expertly throwing the blade.

The tip was imbedded into the wood, just below his elbow.

Xaldin, being much more experienced, threw the knife quickly, and in one fluid motion.

Luxord whimpered as the tip almost grazed the skin of his neck.

Vexen picked up another knife, biting his lower lip as sweat trickled down his brow.

He threw it, and the point embedded itself in the middle of Zexion's rabbit ears.

"Surely, you've played this game before." Xaldin said, throwing the knife. It landed right between Luxord's legs.

"You almost got my manhood!" Luxord wailed, turning slightly green as he continued to turn.

The Card Soldiers turned the wheels, making them spin slightly faster.

Vexen looked at his knives.

Eight more to go. He could do this!

"I've never played this game." Vexen replied, taking another knife with a little more confidence.

"Hmph. Beginner's luck, then." Xaldin replied, already picking up his next knife.

"Dearest! We don't need any more blood today!" Roxas called, fingers intertwined in his hair due to anxiety.

"Not now, dear! I'm playing a game!"

Vexen just couldn't help but smile as he threw his knife.

It was then Zexion let out a high pitched screech.

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Cliff hanger! Anyhoo, I'm sorry that I didn't update last week! I was busy. Blame my mom. Xaldin as the Queen of Hearts? Yes. Now who guessed right?


	9. Escape?

Vexen in Wonderland

I do not own Kingdom Hearts or Alice in Wonderland. Kingdom Hearts belongs to Disney and Square Enix. Alice in Wonderland references are used from both Lewis Carroll and Disney.

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The knife had embedded itself into the wheel only a hairsbreadth away from Zexion's cheek.

"Did he cut you?" One of the guards turning the wheel asked.

"N-no!" Zexion stammered.

Xaldin seemed to be satisfied by this, throwing a knife that landed just outside Luxord's thumb, causing him to whimper.

Vexen's wheel was turned faster, and Zexion turned green as the momentum increased.

Vexen threw another knife, the tip embedded by Zexion's shoulder.

When Xaldin's wheel was supposed to be spun faster, Vexen saw the Cheshire Cat grinning from behind the wheel, wiggling his fingers in a girlish wave at Vexen.

Vexen arched an eyebrow as the Cheshire Cat took hold of the wheel, pulling down on it with tremendous force, making it spin as fast as it could. He disappeared quickly, leaving a grinning Xaldin and a groaning Luxord.

"I'm going to bloody chunk my biscuits!" Luxord exclaimed as he spun.

"A challenge." Xaldin smiled.

He took aim, eyes expertly trained upon the point of his knife. He threw it with expert precision, fists clenched in anticipation.

"YEOOOOWCH!" Luxord screamed.

The guards immediately stopped the wheel, making Luxord lurch in his fastenings.

The knife was imbedded firmly into Luxord's leg, right below his pelvis.

"It's in the bone! It's in the bone!"

A pair of medics ran out from a nearby hut, carrying a stretcher in their hands.

Xaldin gawked at what just happened. Him, lose? There had to be some sort of foul play involved!

"YOU CHEATED!" He roared, turning toward Vexen.

"Me?! How could I have possibly cheated? I'm standing all the way over here!" Vexen exclaimed indignantly.

"You must be a renegade sorcerer of some sort! And there's only one way we punish renegade sorcerers who endanger my royal personage. GUARDS! SEIZE HIM!"

Before Vexen could even blink, he was surrounded by a group of card soldiers.

"You shall be burned at the stake." Xaldin ordered. "And your corpse shall be left for the crows."

Vexen would defend himself. He raised his arm, summoning his shield to him… but all he got was a few sparse snowflakes.

Okay… So he couldn't defend himself with his shield. But what about just using his element?

Vexen cupped his hands, focusing on the center of his palms, imagining a cold wind with sharp shards of ice, dangerous and deadly, slicing through skin with ease. As if waiting to be called upon, the ice came forth, ripping at the card soldiers who backed off, fear contorting their features.

"HOLD YOUR GROUND!" Xaldin roared.

None of the guards listened, breaking formation and running away from Vexen, giving him an opportunity to escape.

He made a mad dash with Xaldin chasing after him, the ruby knives clutched in his hand, shining menacingly in the light.

The sky above them darkened to a deep black with white-hot bands of lightning crisscrossing and sparking, creating hellish contrasts of shadow and light.

Vexen was chased into a maze of hedges about ten feet high. He stumbled through the leafy corridors, hearing the labored breathing of Xaldin behind him.

He could outrun him! He just--

He felt the sharp knife embed into the skin on his leg, possibly even severing a tendon or ligament. Vexen fell forward, catching his fall with his outspread arms. He couldn't move that leg. He looked and saw the blood seeping through his pant legs onto his cloak and saturating the glass.

"Now, I have you, Vexen."

His name echoed through his brain and changed pitch and frequency until he thought the very sound would wrench his brain out of his skull. He wrenched his eyes shut as the sound continued to assault him, cresting and falling against him like a wave before it receded until it was velvety and smooth.

Vexen opened his eyes to be welcomed by a blinding white.

Shadows invaded the light and his vision cleared until he saw the distinct forms of Xemnas and Xigbar hovering over him.

It took him a few seconds to realize that he was in the infirmary, laying down upon a crisp, white sheet. He sat up unsteadily.

"Dude. You were out for like _three days_." Xigbar said.

"What? How did I get here?"

"Marluxia found you unconscious in your lab. You also had a nasty head wound. If Marluxia didn't find you, you would have faded in your sleep. You're going to need a few days of rest. "

Vexen nodded.

Xigbar brought himself in the picture again.

"You were saying really weird things in your sleep, too. We've been, like, making a list."

Vexen groaned.

"What did I say?"

Xigbar looked down, finding an amusing entry.

"'Why are the flowers talking about sex?'" He grinned. "I dunno, man. You were saying some pretty trippy stuff. Wonder what you were dreaming about." Xigbar shrugged before leaving the room, and Xemnas shortly after.

The door shut behind them to reveal a Marluxia hiding behind the door.

"Oh, Vexy…" Marluxia grinned, sauntering forward.

"Noooooo!"

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Author: After your terrible ordeal in Wonderland, my dear Vexen, I will not give you release.  
Vexen: I hate you so much! Do you know how long it took for the bite marks to heal?!  
Author: Erm... Anyhoo, last chapter! This series is finished. Hope you enjoyed it! I'm really sorry for the long amount of time I didn't update. It's been a mix of things from writer's block, laziness, groundings, and just being busy. Hope to see you in another fanfic! Toodles!


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